Warning: Article contains strong opinions that some readers may find offensive and/or disturbing. Not for the weak at heart or sense of humour-less. This article is inspired by true events however characters and entities depicted are fictional, any resemblance or similarity to your own actions are purely coincidental.
Always talks about his Crossfit box, wears his boxes apparel everywhere he goes, probably doesn’t own other forms of clothing. Walks, talks, breathes and sweats Crossfit, nothing is ever hard enough. Who are these people working out on their own? The Crossfitter isn’t used to such individual work, he needs the approval and praise from a crowd to be able to function. The Crossfitter may join a regular gym temporarily, but you will find that eventually he will fizzle out because the classes don’t offer handstand push-ups and ‘a workout just isn’t a workout without handstand push-ups’.
Possibly the most annoying type of gym member, ‘the Follower’ isn’t a regular at the gym so therefore has no idea what to do, and instead of asking one of the trainers for some assistance, the follower decides that today, you are his trainer. Everything you do he does, every machine you use he’s got next, and to top it off he’s quite clever at keeping a good distance so its not so obvious from an onlookers point of view, but you can just feel his lurking eyes in your direction. Sadly you can’t confront ‘the Follower’ as there is no actual proof of his stalker ways, so just suck it up and accept that imitation is often the most sincere form of flattery.
Likes the idea of a gym for health and fitness, but in the Predators mind, the gym is a place for hunting. You will find him either at the back of a class or always in front of a mirror to survey the area. The predator isn’t usually so obvious, he’ll start off with a ‘Hi, how is your day?’ and then when you get confortable around him is when he’ll pounce. Often hard to spot, because his aim is not to get caught, so you really need to keep on your toes when the predator is in the vicinity.
The Hoverer/ the Newbie
Something like the follower but a little more bearable, you often find this trait in newer members as they get given a set program and are sticking to it, no deviations. So if you happen to be on the machine he needs to use, consider your personal space as invaded. The hoverer will stick up under that machine until you are done. No if buts ands or maybes.
Always on her phone, not paying attention to anything that’s going on. The only thing that may capture this member’s attention is if the fire alarm goes off, and she can’t hear her phone anymore.
This girl looks the part, fresh shoes, pretty coloured tights, matching crop top, hair done, nails never chipped and make up flawless.The Barbie is usually very beautiful which makes her presence known with very little effort, however, she is about as fake as it gets, comes in the gym and goes on the stepper or does classes. But I use the term ‘do classes’ loosely, as she proceeds with very little effort. Never really does any work and doesn’t believe she has to because ‘pretty girls don’t get fat, right?’
Possibly the cutest thing you will ever see in the gym, always coming in together, giggling and making googly eyes at each other. The couple are generally hard workers because they joined to get fit together and really push and motivate each other.
He may not be a CEO, he may not even have a job, but this man believes he is the most important person in the world. It doesn’t matter if there is a line to check in, The CEO is pushing his way to the front so that he can be seen to. The CEO doesn’t do classes because that’s ‘too mainstream’ for him. Always seemingly busy but with nowhere to really go, usually stays on the cardio equipment because he’s too proud to ask for assistance on the weights. But don’t get in the CEO’s way because he’ll be sure to push you down to get ahead.
The gym buddy
Never comes without his gym partner, this is the bromance version to ‘the Couple’. Always working out together to push and motivate each other. One is generally more experienced than the other so often spends most of his time explaining the exercise as apposed to actually doing it, but never loses patience.
Every gym has one; the Alpha has already paid his dues, usually the oldest member of the gym, struts around the place scoping out the newbies, looking for the weak link to pick at. The Alpha came from the old days of pumping serious iron, and steroids. The Alpha believes that men should be men (whatever that means), he means no harm really, but has seen it all, new gym owners, new management, new equipment, the Alpha was there from inception so nothing, and no one is above him.